The Annual MENSA Invitational Contest

Forwarded by a friend. Thought I'd share it with you:

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the 2009 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n.. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Video Math Tutor

If you're like me (and I hope that you are more fortunate), you desperately need to improve your math-based abilities.

And so, I present to you a link my uncle found:

http://www.videomathtutor.com/index.html

This guy is good and provides tons of free resources and videos. I recommend you check him out. Couldn't hurt, right?
I've been making good use of it so far and I'm a blundering boob when it comes to arithmetic.

If anyone has any tips like this, leave a comment. I need them to not fail horribly on the Math sections of the SAT.

Even Stevphen

Two of my favorite genii!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
10 F#@king Years - Even Stevphen
http://www.thedailyshow.com/
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

Self-Fulfilled

An original poem that hopefully doesn't suck.

A boy was born
Unto shining sunlight
In the realm of gleaming stars
His parents, though, forlorn,
And caught in fright,
Placed him, quickly, behind bars

For this boy, born foul and gray,
Was made of sin
And bound to sway
Toward wicked deeds
And sew dismay
Around, and in,
The realm of Pei

On occasion, folk would come to see him
The guards would shackle arm to rim
He always howled in the dark
An angry dog with an angry bark

His hair was of a golden hue
But his heart was black like rotten stew
By year three, he called his mother, “Shrew”
And his father was known as “Dirty Lou”

Covered to nail in white reeds,
He’d escaped his prison dank
He committed most atrocious deeds
To find father, whom he had to thank
For imprisonment had taught him enough
To discover whom to hate
So, he called forth his old father,
And his father took the bait

Years had passed like rain and dew
Trickling among the soy
The regal, afeared father knew
Not to meet his wicked boy
Unless he wished to die alone
Watching crows pick at his bone

He devised a crafty trap, a snare
Hoping to catch
His son like a wild bear
Tar and thatch
Were scattered here and there
Ready to be set alight, on a dare

Through storm and calm, the trappers waited
Swords sharpened, the trap was baited
But the boy dodged one and all
And, in the mist, he made to call
Ensued, there did, a mighty brawl
His thirst would soon be sated:
He hewed his dad from skull to ball
And screeched, at last elated

Julian Traas, Nov. 2009

Man vs Toddler

Very funny. The bitterness that is this life needs more moments like these.

Man Versus Toddler - Watch more Funny Videos